August 22nd, 2008
by michael
What is this feeling I have? Am I afraid to let the silence be [silence]? Am I afraid that that maybe silence is all there really is?
God breathing in — God breathing out. What of that brief moment in between? Where was God before time was if not in this in-between moment? What did God feel in this moment, experiencing the singularity of all there is before there was time and space for the universe to expand into?
Have I forgotten that with each breath I re-experience that in-between moment as I choose again and again to re-create all there is, just as it is and as it is not. Have I forgotten that I choose to re-create the illusion of time and space with each breath? Have I forgotten that I create each moment by coming from nothing? Have I forgotten that “nothing” is just the other side of all that is? Have I become afraid of nothing, afraid of the silence?
Only when I can be with nothing can I truly be with all that is. Nothing is just there in each moment to remind me that I AM that I AM. Being okay with nothing, being okay with the silence is the place from which I create everything. Out of being afraid to be with nothing I only create fear of everything.
May 4th, 2008
by michael
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As we walked along she bent down to pick a blade of grass. “I used to be able to do this” she said as she blew on the blade of grass held between her thumbs, but no sound came.
I remembered that trick, making the call of a crow with a blade of grass held between the thumbs. I remembered how to hold it but I could not explain how to stretch it tight enough.
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| Decades had passed since I had tried this trick with a blade of grass. “Watch my hands” I said as I saw my hands grasp the blade of grass tightly between my left forefinger and thumb and stretched it, trapping it tightly with my other hand.
As I blew and heard the sound I remembered my father who had first shown me this trick so long ago. For just that moment he had returned to me to fill my whole body with his presence and his love.
I realized that imbedded in every cell of my body there was recorded every event and every experience of my life that had long left my memory and consciousness but were as real as the moment they transpired. I could immediately become that child again and experience the wonder and joy of any moment or I could at once be overcome with the very real but irrational fears of a five year old that would limit me as an adult.
Suddenly it’s clear, how easily I could be overcome with fear or upset that was stored in the cells of my body. I was left aware that so often events or people had triggered these stored memories. Now I could just observe them as they replay and choose which ones to let occupy my present consciousness. |
March 17th, 2007
by michael
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I attended a workshop over the weekend to help me develop skills in group dynamics and collaboration. As part of the workshop we were asked to do an exercise in listening. One of the aspects of good listening is of course “reflection”, the ability to listen to what another person has to say such that you can repeat back to them either verbatim or in such words that they get that they have really been heard. To do this exercise we split into small groups of two or three people.
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It was my turn to go first and describe some aspect of my life that was “bugging” me while one of the other participants listened. My partner in the exercise was a woman who had worked as a consultant for many years. I was really quite impressed with her ability to virtually memorize everything I said and repeat it back to me flawlessly. As part of the exercise I was required to give her feedback about how well I felt she had listened. As I began to relate my experience I got that she had no idea what a masterful job she had actually done. So after I finished my glowing praise of her I told her I was giving her a B+.
Astonished, at the apparent contradiction in what I had said, she asked me, “What do I have to do to get an A?”. I told her that the only thing that I saw that was missing was her ability to see and acknowledge the perfection in herself. I told her that all she had to do to get an “A” was to simply accept herself exactly as she is and see the perfection in all that she does and that would be reflected in how she was being with the people in her life.
When it became her turn to talk about something that was “bugging” her in her life, she shared with us that she had not at first been able to think of anything to speak about but after my feedback she realized that this area of being critical of herself had been with her all her life. So as she got a chance to talk about how this had driven her in her life, she told us that she had always felt that no matter how many courses she took it always felt like it was “never enough”.
I am so gratified to have been part of, and witness to this “ah ha” moment. I have come to realize that this lifetime I am an epiphany addict. I not only enjoy having an epiphany myself but also am gratified when others have them too.
Part of getting that perfect score, that is the “A”, is getting that we are already perfect just as we are, there is nothing we lack and that we are always in the perfect place right now in the present moment. Life is already filled with tests and people who test and evaluate us and it is a good thing that life is ordered in this way because it keeps us striving for more [life]. It is only when we give ourselves a failing grade that we have lost sight of who we really are behind all the judgments we have about ourselves.
We all need to have people in our lives who love and accept us just as we are and as we are not. These people will remind us to see the perfection in ourselves. It is easy to get caught up in a world of judgments, to inadvertently surround ourselves with people who insist that there is always something wrong. It is no wonder we begin to think this way about ourselves. The truth is that it is not necessary for something to be wrong or missing for us to desire to reach beyond where ever we may be at any moment. In fact, I believe that a sense of perfection is the most ideal place to create from. This is the paradox and the irony. Our most creative moments and impulses come when there is a sense that there is nothing to do and nowhere to get to.
I believe we all deserve an “A” just for having the courage to show up in life. Give yourself an “A” right now by just getting that what ever is happening is perfect, that you are perfect just as you are, that the universe has a perfect plan for you (that frequently differs form your plan) and that everything that happens reflects an unfolding that is beyond understanding.
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May 16th, 2005
by michael
I recently listened to an old audio file of Alan Watts speaking about Taoism. He suggested that in order to begin to get a feel of Taoism that we imagine ourselves as just born. All of our senses are working but we have no way of understanding what we experience, we have no words for the sensations and no way of relating them. Everything is just experience. We don’t even know where the experience is located. This certainly eliminates the possibility of there being a “plot”.
The analogy he gave provided me a powerful insight into how much time and energy I put into understanding, and talking about things rather than just experiencing them. Today I heard a bird singing. The experience was immediately interrupted with my mind saying “there is a bird singing, what kind of bird is it?”, but then the experience of the bird singing was gone!
The plot is, if you will, “There is a bird in a tree above singing”. In Taoism I simply have an experience. I hear it, as part of me, I am the sound, I am the bird, I am the tree.
When I first started thinking about what goes on with me regarding experience in contrast to talking and thinking about experience, I found my self feeling guilty. I felt I should be able to be with the experience instead allowing the experience to quickly be replaced with mind chatter. Then it came clear to me that this is a life long task and that to simply become aware that there is an experience separate from my thoughts is a significant step.
We all know what it is to be with an experience. There is a timeless effortlessness about it. Words are inadequate, even unnecessary to describe it. We are swept along by it, the way an ocean current moves us along the shore without us noticing.
Suddenly I hear my mother calling me in, there is a coolness in the air. It’s getting hard to see the baseball now, I strain to read my watch, it’s almost 9. My hands are dirty and I am blissfully tired. Where did the hours go, what took place? It doesn’t matter. I am filled with a feeling of being whole and complete.
